Wednesday, December 21, 2011 - [pain.]
It's been such an emotional morning.. I'm not sure where I should begin this brutally honest post..
My two sources of grief began quite long ago. 3 years ago a prediction was made in Taiwan by a palm reader that I would contract a liver disease. In April this year, my family doctor told me my neck was swelling. Roughly two weeks ago I had lunch with dengyin and her mom, and her mom told me to get myself checked. Just in time, I had to go for a medical examination before going to Australia. The doctor at the hospital was not authorized to conduct extra tests for me unless I set my own appointment unrelated to the visa. She did mention the swelling was prominent and asked, "So after your friend's mom said that, did you check your liver?"
On Saturday, the 17th, while I was on my way to visit my beloved religious teacher and caretaker for about 5 years, she passed away. She had been diagnosed with Brain, Backbone, Stomach, Pancreas and Chest Cancer, just two months ago and it was already at a terminal stage.
I looked at her pale and cold and extremely thin body and thought how perverse this was, that such a noble person would suffer such ill fate. It really upset me that god allowed this to befall her. If someone who has done so much good ends up this way, I, who have sinned incredibly will be .. run over multiple times? buried alive? fall from a burning building? be stabbed and beaten up into a vegetable? I was shaken by my first experience with a dead body.
I had a simple but fruitful day after that with dengyin and glenn who came afterwards. Even though we just walked and talked and glenn as usual made fun of me, it was alright, they took my mind off things.. and also because I saw something that I found very appropriate for Chris in more ways than one, and I felt so happy I found a nice gift for Christmas. I had a wonderful evening with Chris afterwards, even though I was extremely tired I was dragged back out by the overly excited boy to watch Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows.
Back at Casi, while I was happily chatting to whoever.. when I took a step backwards and knocked over three glasses which I watched in slow-motion (I know this sounds drama but it really appeared to be in slow-motion) as the three glasses toppled over and shatter at my feet. Glass shards flew every where and I just stood frozen and saw a pool of red gather around my left toes. I think it might be because I was too exhausted from a previous sleepless night I couldn't think or register anything that just happened.
The ground being carpeted silenced the clink of glass shattering, but Chris saw what happened from outside and rushed in and yelled at me for being clumsy and I was still too shaken to reply.. until he noticed the pool of blood he picked me up and Alvin reacted just as swiftly with his brooms and vaccuum cleaner and a box of band-aids.
After being carried away from the glass remains, amazingly only one glass shattered, the other two survived the fall. My toes were nicely wrapped in plasters and I went to sleep. When I woke up I had a splitting headache and a running nose.
Sunday went by in a blur, all I remember now was Chris desperately calling for Alvin and resorting to going to his home to call him out because he wanted to bring me to the doctor and Alvin had left me in charge of the counter for a temporary period. Poor Alvin, I think he got an earful that night. Since it was past 10pm, I decided to return home and visit the doctor in the morning.
I felt the fever coming on and I thought since he's free.. I asked for Chris to accompany me through the night. He agreed. While he stopped to buy food home, he left his phone in the car and I suddenly remembered there were times when my phone would be oddly quiet and sometimes he never returned my messages. So I took his to open our conversation history to check if he received and replied messages to and from my faulty phone.
I should have known better than to look.. while scrolling for my name I saw other names and conversations that should not have taken place. It was quite disbelieving because he always whined about me not being there enough, and on three occasions had to call dengyin to pry me away from her, and he introduced me to every single person we ever came across and he took me to see his family many times and included me during family occasions and he tried to sneak me into his office sometimes too, risking his employment.
He returned to the car looking cheerful and I looked dead-er than before, because I didn't know what to do next.. while he started up the engine I quietly said, "You don't have to accompany me anymore, if you're busy you can go back," because he was preparing for a meeting the next day when he realized Alvin was gone for way too long.
Sunday night was a terribly restless night, maybe it was my psychological torment, or maybe it was just the fever and cold and cough that developed overnight. I barely slept a wink because it was way too uncomfortable. Chris was like an angel, folding my blanket countless times and patting me to sleep practically the whole night. At any slight twitch he would immediately look up from what he was doing and check on me.
On Monday he skipped work to watch me sleep again or at least try to. In the morning I left for the doctor and poured out all my problems regarding the fever cold cough neck-swelling potential-liver-problem as well as my abnormal amount of peeing.
I went back to sleep this time more successful because my medication were all drowsy.
When I was awake again, I remember feeling very hungry and energetic like everything was cured. I even had the audacity to suggest going for steamboat due to a random craving and he looked sadly at me saying he didn't have the time or mood after his meeting but obliged anyway. As we strolled to a taxi-stand after the steamboat, he tried to speak, stuttered and then smiled and said "I've never loved anyone so much before in my life, besides my ex-wife."
Tuesday I must have slept the whole day again, because I only remember the night time where he was teaching me strategies in League of Legends and then we were going over to his place to retire for the night. (what the hell? sleep again? that's how sick people waste their lives away) I think I must have slept too much because I was unable to sleep last night. I was thinking about my ultrasound this morning and also .. still pondering about what I saw ..
A check while he was asleep showed that nothing new occurred and it's probably due to my sickness, which puzzles me, because the last time I fell sick, which is barely a month ago, I was completely bedridden and though I pleaded him to come he didn't.
This morning, he surprisingly woke up after just 3hours of sleep and dashed off excitedly to work, while I slowly made my way for the dreaded ultrasound. I had to return to Serangoon for a urine test first. I started to feel scared because my doctor labeled my bottle for a urine test with Diabetes and as I made my way to the X-ray clinic I tripped down an escalator and immediately I crumbled.
I completely went numb with pain, pain from the glass cuts on my left toes, the sudden sprain on my left foot, the heartache from seeing the messages, the additional confusion from his confession and recently wonderful behaviour and the fear of being crippled by illnesses.
I couldn't even cry properly, I was in the train station, trying to read the map to see where to go, while choking on my own tears and I was so .. frustrated and tired and .. really just traumatized by whatever events happened since my teacher's death, not forgetting the fact that my parents were away and I couldn't consult my dad for advice. I was terrified of the prospects of being stuck under quarantine, because the kind doctor at the hospital said she would let me pass my examination and ignore my swelling otherwise my visa would not be granted.
I eventually forced myself to stop crying at the clinic. The ultrasound was painful as well, probably because I was made to lie in a posture that made all the blood rush to my head and my legs lost their feelings and the probe was pressing against my sore throat and the doctor obviously had no clue I was struggling not to cough as she twisted the probe repeatedly without lifting to let me relax for a moment.
I heard the doctor say "This is very difficult..." and her voice trailed off, as I left the clinic, I started crying again, even worse than before, thank god I was on an empty bus. I called Chris because I wanted to hear his voice, as it soothed me over the past few nights. For once, he sounded so happy to be at work, and his joyousness was mixed with concern as he asked how I fell and promised to attend to me as soon as work ended. I wanted to speak, I wanted to ask about the messages, but I feared it would become an ugly disaster and I didn't want to ask over the phone. I couldn't utter a word, I think I just made weird noises as my throat was hurting like hell, I was trembling and trying to breathe through all the tears mucus and a partially blocked nose. He hung up after he said he loved me. I continued to weep my way home.. and as if on cue, when I alighted and walked towards home, it began to rain.
My two sources of grief began quite long ago. 3 years ago a prediction was made in Taiwan by a palm reader that I would contract a liver disease. In April this year, my family doctor told me my neck was swelling. Roughly two weeks ago I had lunch with dengyin and her mom, and her mom told me to get myself checked. Just in time, I had to go for a medical examination before going to Australia. The doctor at the hospital was not authorized to conduct extra tests for me unless I set my own appointment unrelated to the visa. She did mention the swelling was prominent and asked, "So after your friend's mom said that, did you check your liver?"
On Saturday, the 17th, while I was on my way to visit my beloved religious teacher and caretaker for about 5 years, she passed away. She had been diagnosed with Brain, Backbone, Stomach, Pancreas and Chest Cancer, just two months ago and it was already at a terminal stage.
I looked at her pale and cold and extremely thin body and thought how perverse this was, that such a noble person would suffer such ill fate. It really upset me that god allowed this to befall her. If someone who has done so much good ends up this way, I, who have sinned incredibly will be .. run over multiple times? buried alive? fall from a burning building? be stabbed and beaten up into a vegetable? I was shaken by my first experience with a dead body.
I had a simple but fruitful day after that with dengyin and glenn who came afterwards. Even though we just walked and talked and glenn as usual made fun of me, it was alright, they took my mind off things.. and also because I saw something that I found very appropriate for Chris in more ways than one, and I felt so happy I found a nice gift for Christmas. I had a wonderful evening with Chris afterwards, even though I was extremely tired I was dragged back out by the overly excited boy to watch Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows.
Back at Casi, while I was happily chatting to whoever.. when I took a step backwards and knocked over three glasses which I watched in slow-motion (I know this sounds drama but it really appeared to be in slow-motion) as the three glasses toppled over and shatter at my feet. Glass shards flew every where and I just stood frozen and saw a pool of red gather around my left toes. I think it might be because I was too exhausted from a previous sleepless night I couldn't think or register anything that just happened.
The ground being carpeted silenced the clink of glass shattering, but Chris saw what happened from outside and rushed in and yelled at me for being clumsy and I was still too shaken to reply.. until he noticed the pool of blood he picked me up and Alvin reacted just as swiftly with his brooms and vaccuum cleaner and a box of band-aids.
After being carried away from the glass remains, amazingly only one glass shattered, the other two survived the fall. My toes were nicely wrapped in plasters and I went to sleep. When I woke up I had a splitting headache and a running nose.
Sunday went by in a blur, all I remember now was Chris desperately calling for Alvin and resorting to going to his home to call him out because he wanted to bring me to the doctor and Alvin had left me in charge of the counter for a temporary period. Poor Alvin, I think he got an earful that night. Since it was past 10pm, I decided to return home and visit the doctor in the morning.
I felt the fever coming on and I thought since he's free.. I asked for Chris to accompany me through the night. He agreed. While he stopped to buy food home, he left his phone in the car and I suddenly remembered there were times when my phone would be oddly quiet and sometimes he never returned my messages. So I took his to open our conversation history to check if he received and replied messages to and from my faulty phone.
I should have known better than to look.. while scrolling for my name I saw other names and conversations that should not have taken place. It was quite disbelieving because he always whined about me not being there enough, and on three occasions had to call dengyin to pry me away from her, and he introduced me to every single person we ever came across and he took me to see his family many times and included me during family occasions and he tried to sneak me into his office sometimes too, risking his employment.
He returned to the car looking cheerful and I looked dead-er than before, because I didn't know what to do next.. while he started up the engine I quietly said, "You don't have to accompany me anymore, if you're busy you can go back," because he was preparing for a meeting the next day when he realized Alvin was gone for way too long.
Sunday night was a terribly restless night, maybe it was my psychological torment, or maybe it was just the fever and cold and cough that developed overnight. I barely slept a wink because it was way too uncomfortable. Chris was like an angel, folding my blanket countless times and patting me to sleep practically the whole night. At any slight twitch he would immediately look up from what he was doing and check on me.
On Monday he skipped work to watch me sleep again or at least try to. In the morning I left for the doctor and poured out all my problems regarding the fever cold cough neck-swelling potential-liver-problem as well as my abnormal amount of peeing.
I went back to sleep this time more successful because my medication were all drowsy.
When I was awake again, I remember feeling very hungry and energetic like everything was cured. I even had the audacity to suggest going for steamboat due to a random craving and he looked sadly at me saying he didn't have the time or mood after his meeting but obliged anyway. As we strolled to a taxi-stand after the steamboat, he tried to speak, stuttered and then smiled and said "I've never loved anyone so much before in my life, besides my ex-wife."
Tuesday I must have slept the whole day again, because I only remember the night time where he was teaching me strategies in League of Legends and then we were going over to his place to retire for the night. (what the hell? sleep again? that's how sick people waste their lives away) I think I must have slept too much because I was unable to sleep last night. I was thinking about my ultrasound this morning and also .. still pondering about what I saw ..
A check while he was asleep showed that nothing new occurred and it's probably due to my sickness, which puzzles me, because the last time I fell sick, which is barely a month ago, I was completely bedridden and though I pleaded him to come he didn't.
This morning, he surprisingly woke up after just 3hours of sleep and dashed off excitedly to work, while I slowly made my way for the dreaded ultrasound. I had to return to Serangoon for a urine test first. I started to feel scared because my doctor labeled my bottle for a urine test with Diabetes and as I made my way to the X-ray clinic I tripped down an escalator and immediately I crumbled.
I completely went numb with pain, pain from the glass cuts on my left toes, the sudden sprain on my left foot, the heartache from seeing the messages, the additional confusion from his confession and recently wonderful behaviour and the fear of being crippled by illnesses.
I couldn't even cry properly, I was in the train station, trying to read the map to see where to go, while choking on my own tears and I was so .. frustrated and tired and .. really just traumatized by whatever events happened since my teacher's death, not forgetting the fact that my parents were away and I couldn't consult my dad for advice. I was terrified of the prospects of being stuck under quarantine, because the kind doctor at the hospital said she would let me pass my examination and ignore my swelling otherwise my visa would not be granted.
I eventually forced myself to stop crying at the clinic. The ultrasound was painful as well, probably because I was made to lie in a posture that made all the blood rush to my head and my legs lost their feelings and the probe was pressing against my sore throat and the doctor obviously had no clue I was struggling not to cough as she twisted the probe repeatedly without lifting to let me relax for a moment.
I heard the doctor say "This is very difficult..." and her voice trailed off, as I left the clinic, I started crying again, even worse than before, thank god I was on an empty bus. I called Chris because I wanted to hear his voice, as it soothed me over the past few nights. For once, he sounded so happy to be at work, and his joyousness was mixed with concern as he asked how I fell and promised to attend to me as soon as work ended. I wanted to speak, I wanted to ask about the messages, but I feared it would become an ugly disaster and I didn't want to ask over the phone. I couldn't utter a word, I think I just made weird noises as my throat was hurting like hell, I was trembling and trying to breathe through all the tears mucus and a partially blocked nose. He hung up after he said he loved me. I continued to weep my way home.. and as if on cue, when I alighted and walked towards home, it began to rain.
what we could have done..
12:28 PM.
